


Diary - larry Stylinson

by larrysquad



Category: Larry - Fandom, Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: 9000 words, Cancer, Diary/Journal, Innocent Louis, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Long One Shot, Long Shot, M/M, Major Illness, Mentions of Cancer, One Shot, Sick Harry, Young Harry, Young Louis, harry diary, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform, long story, stylinson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 07:12:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2764340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larrysquad/pseuds/larrysquad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry get's really sick & writes in his diary a lot. </p><p>WARNING: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, YOU WILL CRY</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diary - larry Stylinson

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is an old work so it will be updated & stuff so yeah :)
> 
> WARNING: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, YOU WILL CRY

February 11 2013

Dear diary, my name is Harry Styles. I just turned 15, february first. Im a freshman in a school in Los Angeles. We moved here from Chesire after eight grade so i could go my high school years in America, which i've dreamt of since forever. I got this diary at my birthdayparty this weekend so i decided to give it a try. I guess i'll write about everything. I like to write actually, Especially songs and novels. I like reading too and my favorite author is John Green. I love to bake and cook and i do that a lot. I have to go now, dinner's ready.

x Harry

 

February 13 2013

Do i have to start with 'dear diary'? it sounds very girlish to be honest. It's Harry again by the way. But i guess you could figure that out on your own since it's my diary. There was a new student in my class today. His name is Louis Tomlinson and he's really pretty. He's got beautiful eyes. I talked with him at lunch and he's really funny. Seems to be a good lad. I want to be his friend. I have two friends, Niall and Zayn. They're also brittish and we get along really well. They're actually coming over now, they should be here in any minute. We're going to bbq in my backyard and then we'll sleep in a tent. It'll be fun. Oh, they came now, bye!

x Harry

 

March 2 2013

Hi! it's been a while. I've been really busy. Louis and I have hung out a lot and we've been on a couple dates. I like him a lot. I also got my first kiss, by Louis Tomlinson himself. We kissed at the beach near my house in the sunset. We're going on a date tonight again, eating at some fancy (very excpensive) resturant i've never heard off. But Louis told me that the food was amazing so i guess i'll give it a try. He will pick me up in an hour so i have to take a shower soon. I think i'm gonna ask him to be my boyfriend tonight. i hope he'll say yes. Wow i made it sound like i was going to propose or something, haha. Wish me luck!

March 2 2013

He said yes!! We're offically together now! Oh my god im so excited about this. I mean i've never been in a proper relationship before. Right now he's in the bathroom and he'll spend the night at my house. The food was so delicious by the way, Louis were right (as usual). Now he's back, bye. Got some cuddling to do ;)

x harry

March 8 2013

hi again. Today is Louis & i one week anniversity. We've told our parents and theyre really happy for us. Couldn't ask for better parents, they're both really supportive. Or our moms and siblings. But Since Gemma's in UNI in England we have to wait to tell her. But she'll be coming over in may. I miss her alot. We're still going strong and i love him so much. I told him yesterday, that i loved him. And he smiled his beutiful smile, the one who's so big that his eyes wrinkled in such a cute way, and told me 'i love you' than he kissed me. Is it very girly to say that it was magical and that i fel sparkles? Because i did. Oh god, this is so cliché. I'm ill at the moment by the way. Having the flu. That sucks ha. Lou came over with flowers and a 'get well soon' card. Isn't he the cutest? It was 10 red tulips and they're really beutiful. I have them on my nightstand in a white wase. He couldn't stay to long though, he needed to help his mom with the siblings. He has 4 sisters. They're called Charlotte (Lottie), Felicite (Fizzy) and thenn there are the twing - Phoeby and Diasy. They're all just as nice as their brother. I'm gonna head back to sleep now, see you around!

x Harry

 

March 21 2013

Hii! This is Louis. Harrys boyfriend. He's in the shower. This book was open on his desk so i decided to leave a mark here. Don't worry Haz, i haven't read it. Yeah like i said im Louis Tomlinson. Well what am i supposed to write? I love Harry. He's so beautiful. And he's got curly hair. I also got 4 sisters i love a lot. And my mom of course. I'm a freshman in LA. How cool? Im from Doncaster by the way. God i suck at this. Lol bye / Louis :-)

 

April 1 2013

Hi again, long time no see haha. I've been busy. I've been studying a lot and i've spent loads of time with Louis. He's practially living here, spending almost everynight in my bed. He's a great cuddler. He's so tiny and thats so cute. I got to be the big spoon and i love that. I also love how tiny his hands are and how perfectly they fit in mina hands. My hands are huge, no joke. Today's fools day also. Louis fooled me so hard, but i can't be mad at him. How could i? Tmorrow's our 1 month anniversity. We'll be going to the same resturant as the one we ate on when i asked him to be my boyfriend. I'm Excited. And i'm also lucky to have such an perfect boyfriend. We came out in school last week. I'm not going to lie, i was absolutely terrified about what they were gonna say. The only one who knew i was gay before was Zayn & Niall. Louis came up and kissed me right in front of everyone in the cafeteria. Everyone stopped eating, except Niall and Zayn. But after a while people came and congratulated us. Since then we can hold hands and kiss in public. Most of the people are supportive but some are just simply mean. Louis came home yesterday crying because some seniors had hitted him. He had a blue eye and a bruised lip. I took care off him though and then we cuddled in bed and watched a movie. Oh i almost forgot, Louis no is in the freshman soccerteam! I'm so proud of him. Goodnight x Harry

 

April 6 2013

Yesterday some guys from the senior basketball team hitted me pretty bad. I've got big bruises over my back and i got a cut over my cheek. Louis took me to the schools nurse and she cleaned the cut and then sent me home. Louis followed. He's so cute! My mom told me i could stay home today if i wanted to, because my face hurts really bad and i wasn't feeling very well either. Since it's friday Louis decided to stay home with me. We've watched movies all day, chickflicks. That's our favorites. There's not much going on in my life so there's not something special to write about. Zayn got a girlfriend some weeks ago and Niall started smoking. That's the only new things, but like they're not that intresting. Zayns girlfriend is called Perrie and she's really nice. We hang out almost every afternoon, usually at Perrys or mine. I still have a lot of homework to do but not as much as before. My bigger sister Emma is visiting us soon, she's coming here May 4 and she'll stay until the 20th. I'm really excited because I miss her so much. She's at UNI in England. She'll graduate this year though. I haven't told her about me and Louis but we will as soon as she's getting here. see you soon, have loads of math to do :(

x Harry

 

April 28 2013

Hey. I've got some terrible news. I've got cancer. In my blood. What am i supposed to do? How can i tell Louis this? We went to the doctors today because the bruises on my back is still there and I haven't feel very good the last weeks. It turned out to be cancer. Why me? I'm so damn terrified. Mom's downstairs crying and talking to my dad. He doesn't seem to care much though because mom is yelling at him. I hate seeing her like this. I am upstairs and also crying. I need to tell Louis like today or tomorrow because i will be hospitalized the 2nd May and I have to go thru Chemo. I will loose my hair. I'm so afraid that Louis will leave me because i'm sick. He'll probably leave me. I'm sure he will. He always tell me how beautiful I am and how he loves my hair. But when i get all this chemo and shit i'll be pale, skinny and i'll loose all my hair. What am I gonna do? I think i'll just call Niall and Zayn over first and tell them. It's about 12 am and Louis is coming over tonight anyways. Or i'll call him over now. I need him. God im so confused. x H

April 30 2013

I decided to call Louis over directly after i wrote. He came over about 20 minutes later. I told him everything and then we just layed in my bed sobbing in eachothers arms unti mom came and told us dinner was ready. Her eyes were red and swollen. So was ours. I hate doing this to her. Louis didn't leave me though, he just told me that everything was going to be fine and that he would never ever even think about leving me. I texted Zayn and Niall to come over later that night and I told them that I have cancer. They reacted almost the same as Louis. Hugged me and told me that everything was going to be alright. I saw that they were close to tears. I hate doing this to them. I know that they love me and then i tell them that i'm really sick. They didn't really want to leave me after the news so they stayed the night at my place. Louis and I cuddled up in my bed and Niall and Zayn slept in my sofa. Today we slept pretty long, until around 11.30 am. Mom made us all scones for breakfast and then everyone had to go home, except Louis, because i had to go to the doctors to take some tests. Mom decided that Louis could come with us since he's my boyfriend after all and i am so glad she did. He held my hand all the time and kissed my hair all the time. The doctor told us that we got the results at 10 am on monday. He also said Louis and I made a beutiful couple. Louis started to blush and he looked so cute that i just had to peck his lips. It's on monday im getting hospitilazed by the way. I'm so scared. Louis will stay with me tonight and he promised me to visit me everyday at the hospital directly after school. Goodbye.

x Harry

 

May 7 2013

Hi. I've been at the hospital for five days. It sucks. I've been getting chemo yesterday and after that i puked the whole night. I am also erally really tired. As Louis promised he spend every afternoon here with me. Mom and Gemma is here too, but when Louis is here, they leave us alone for a couple hours. He does his homeork and then helps me with mine. Because since I can't be in school, I have to do some works at home. Or not home, in the hospital. Then he just lays down next to me and we just cuddle the shit out of eachother. Niall and Zayn have been here a couple times too. Niall decided to quit smoking, i'm proud off him. Tomorrow i will have my second chemo treatment. I'm not really looking forward to it if it means i'm gonna be up all night puking again. By the way, i told Gemma abou Louis and I. She's really supportive of us and i am so blessed to have such an understanding family. I'm so tired right now, i think i am going to sleep for a while. Goodnight!

x Harry

 

May 14 2013

I feel terrible. I am so weak i can barely move out of my bed anymore. Theres tubes from my chest that help my blood to get cleaned and it hurts. I've lost a lot of weight and i am so pale. Louis family has been here a couple times and they got me flowers. Louis usually takes one flower with him everyday. It's really beautiful of him to do that. He still tells me everyday that i look beautiful but i can't manage to believe him anymore. Everything hurts too. Just the slightest touches makes my body ache so bad. Only Louis know how to tuch so it's not hurting as much as usual. Gemma and mom sleeps with me every night, except two when Louis stayed over so they could get some proper rest. Oh god, i hate doing this to them.

x Harry 

 

June 16 2013

Hi again. Im home for a few days and it feels really nice. I had my last part of this chemo four days ago and in a week i'm going into next session of chemo. This time stronger. I have a wheelchair because i can barely walk anymore. Louis is always with me. I think that Zayn and Niall are scared. Because they're barely visiting anymore and they look at me with pity. They all do. Except Louis, mom & Gemma. I don't want anyone to pity me, I just want to live as normal as i can. But it's hard. Even my skinniest jeans are way too big now. I hate it so much. Now when i'm home Louis will sleep with me. Gemma had to go back to UNI but makes sure to call and text me everyday. We facetime pretty much. She's coming back to visit me again in a couple weeks, I can't really remember the date righ now. Tmorrow night Louis will play a game with the school team. I'll be there ofcourse. I'm so proud of him. He let me borrow one of his jerseys with his last name and the number 17 on the back on. Unfortunately i can't stand up too long because i'm too weak, but there are seats so it won't be that much of problem. I'm so excited.

x Harry

June 20 2013

Today i headed back to the hospital. I will start with chemo tomorrow. Louis and Lottie (his sister) left a couple of hours ago and they gave me such beautiful flowers. He won't be able to make it to me tomorrow since he has to be on his grandmas 70-year birthdayparty. So i kissed him extra hard. Louis scored 2 goals on the game by the way. The first, and the last. When the game was over i managed to walk down to him on the field and he lifted me up and kissed me. He was so careful though, he always is. I'm in my usual room in the hospital and my mom helped me put photographies on the walls. I got some posters off the script on the left wall and then loads off pictures of me, Louis, Mom, Gemma and Niall & Zayn. They will come over later actually. They called yesterday and apologized for being such jerks to me. Of course i apologized them. I understand that they're terrified, because i am. I'm absolutely scared to death. Now, i think i am going to take a nap.

x Harry

 

July 3 2013

Today i lost my hair. I woke up really early with hair everywhere, everything fell off. I called Louis, crying. He came here directly. He's got summerbreak now so he's here as often as he can. I asked to sleep alone this night though, that's why i woke up alone. Louis helped me shave it off. He cried too. Then he kissed me, first on my bald scalp and then on my lips and told me i was still really beautiful. Afterwards we curled up in my small hospitalbed and watched 'friends' together on my computer. When my mom came and saw me without my hair, she gasped for air and started crying. Then we just held eachother, sobbing. Louis left us alone and went to starbuck to buy us some drinks. Coffee for mom, caramel frappe for me and hot cocoa with cream for him. He also bought me a beanie. He's probably the cutest boyfriend ever. Niall is coming over in any minute so i have to go. Bye!

x Harry

 

August 2 2013

Today is probably one of the best days in my life. Louis got the permission to take me out for dinner, since it's our 5 months anniversity. He took me to the same place as where i 5 moths ago asked him to be my boyfriend. I could barely eat and we couldn't stay long because off my chemo who makes me really tired. But it was a perfect night and i told him that loads off times. I love him so much. Mom insisted that i should take my wheelchair at least, she was beyond terrified to let me out off sight but i decided to walk. I wanted too feel at least a little normal. Even though i have tubes in my nose and chest. The one in the chest barely hurts anymore, i'm used to it by now. Louis picked me up at the hospital at 5 pm and my mom helped me to take a shower and bought some flowers i could give to Louis. He still gives me one flower everyday. I have loads of flowers in my room, and pictures. When Louis came into my room i sat in the bed with nice clothes, my hair fixed and a bouqette red roses in my hand. He told me he loved me and the he kissed me hard. He helped me the whole evening so i could walk. Right now it's about 9.45pm. We're back at the hospital and he will spend the night with me. Gemma is coming tomorrow. Mom is home, resting. I wish so bad that i could get healthy. Not only for my owns sake but for the others. I hate seeing them like this. Louis is in the bathroom, getting ready for sleep. I'm sooo tired! goodnight!

x Harry

 

August 16 2013

This will be short since i'm really weak. I cant go up from my bed anymore. I get chemo almost everyday and i keep loosing weight. I still don't have my hair. But i'm always wearing the beanie Louis got me a little over a month ago (if i remember corectly). Gemma is here with me, we've played som tablegames but i started to feel tired so now she's reading a book and i'm about to take a nap. I hope Louis will be here by the time i wake up. I miss him a lot, even though I met him yesterday.

x Harry

 

August 27 2013

Gemma is going home today. I will miss her a lot. She's bought me a new beanie. It's one of these with a name on the front p. She got me a black one with 'Louis' written on it. Even though i didn't confessed it ti her, i loved it. I find it adorable. In a couple of days Louis and I will celebrate our 6 monts anniversity. I guess we're going to the same resturant as usual, if I can manage it. Even though i'm a little bit stronger now when i "only" have 3 chemos / week i'm still really weak. I hate this so much and i'm getting really tired off it. Zayn and Perrie will come over later and Louis will also come, he will spend the night with me. Mom needs to rest. But i don't mind. I like sleeping with Louis better than sleeping with mom to be honest. Louis will begin school again in two days, August 29. He is going to be a sophomore! I really wish i allso could go to school but I can't. Sometimes I really do wonder if i'm gonna get thru this. I don't know if i will make it to be honest. I keep staying strong for the people around me. BUt i think that they all know that it's not sure i will make it. That sucks. Zayn and Perrie just came, got to go

x Harry

 

september 23 2013

Almost a month since last time, ow. I've got some news. Both bad and good. Let's take the good ones first. I made it to the dinner with Louis on our 6 months day. Only for about 2 hours, but still. My blood is better. Gemma is back for a week. (It must be really excpensive for her to flight like this all the time). The bad ones - I'm now resistant to the old meds. But i've been getting a new one and that we think helps. For the moment at least. (If they don't, i will just have a little time left. That's why Gemma is here again). The cancer is in my kidneys as well now. I need new ones, as fast as possible. The doctors talked about an operation next week. I have to do more chemos now though. Stronger, more aggresive. Niall has been here all day and we've played fifa. They got me a playstation in my hospital room. How nice of them? Now i have to go and get some tests on my kidneys done. Or i Can't walk since i'm in a lot of pain - i will wheelchairing to do some tests. byee!

x Harry

 

October 1 2013

Turned out that the cancer in my blood wasn't better at all. But at the bright side, the new meds works. I have a really rough time with all the chemos so the only one i accept to visit me except Mom and Gemma is Louis. He's here a lot and he's spending almost every night with me, then he have to go to school and after school he's here with me. Unless he's practising with his soccerteam. He's left forward. I can't be more proud off him. My baby. Niall, Zayn and Perrie is here sometimes, leaving flowers and checking on me quick before they're leaving again. It hurts to see them go, but at the end of the day - i was the one who told them to stay away from me. Tomorrow i'll have a kidney surgery. So i won't be able to celebrate our 7 months anniversity. I feel so bad for that, but Louis insits it's fine. He told me he would rather miss one anniversity and then have me alive, instead of me dying because i prefered dinner with him insted of getting my life saved. I understand him on that point. But i'm still pissed that they choosed that date as the surgerydate.

x Harry

 

October 19 2013

It's been a rough time. I did the surgey and i got my new kidneys. They're from some person in serbia who died. That's kinda creepy to think about. But everything looks fine at that point. I allowed my friends to be with me at the hospital again. Keeping distance from them didn't help. It just made me feel alone. Or well, not alone since i have either Louis or mom here 24 hours per day but still. I guess i need them. They're really supportive and they're usually during their lunch. It's just 2 moths away until it's christmas by the way. And Lou's birthday. I have no idea what to get him. I bet mom can help me figure something out. I have chemo early tomorrow. 6 am. Louis promised to be with me though, so he will be here with some breakfast around 5 am. I love him so much. He promised to take me christmas shopping. I love shopping for christmas. It's usually me who makes the food for our family at christmas since i love to cook, but this year Louis & i's families decided to celebrate together. The doctors have planned my chemo so i will be able to get home the first week in december and then 23 december until January 3. 10 days at home. TEN! I am loooking forwards to it so much, you can't even imagine it. It was such a long time ago i was at home. I haven't been at Louis' since i started with the treament for my cancer. Goodnight!

x (A very happy) Harry

November 2 2013

Happy 8 months to us! I'm so happy and blessed to have Louis in my life. Even though i hade chemo this morning so i've been throwing up all day, he has been with me in my hospitalbed. He showed up after school with red tulips and a helium balloon. I kissed him like i would never get to kiss him again. Then we cuddled up closecloseclose to each other and watched a movie on my laptop. I was really sich though, and threw up every now and then but Louis didn't mind much. He held me and whiped my mouth with a paper and was really carefull and lovely. He was the big spoon. I usually am, but today he decided that he should be big spoon. It felt good. Like, i felt protected and small and loved. I drifed off to sleep several times but then i woke up minutes later, puking. Ugh. It was a good day anyways, since i got to spend it with my Lou-bear.

x H

November 21 2013

hi again. I'm feeling a bit better now actually. At the moment am i alone. It's kinda nice actually. But i feel a little lonley. But who wouldn't? There are people around me 24 hours each day. Louis will come over soon though, in a little less than an hour. Louis has promised me to take me christmas shopping as soon as i'm home. I'll be home November 30 - December 6. A whole week. I will probably spend it all with Louis and mom. I will go christmas-shopping with Louis the 1st December and then the 3rd i will go shopping with both mom and Lou. Then i have to go back to the hospital until the 23rd december and then i will be home for 10 days, until January 3.i'm so excited you can't even imagine! I think i've written it before but my family and Louis family will celebrate christmas and new years together. It's really nice that our familys get along this well. Gemma will also come here, the 19th and she will stay for a while. I have no idea for how long though. This year i won't be able to make the food and that makes me so sad. It's a tradition that i make it.. But yeah anyways. I love Louis so much. It's kinda crazy. I mean, i love him more and more each day. Is that even possible? I really do believe that he's my soulmate and i really want to marry him one day. Is that crazy? That I want to marry him? By the way; I got chemo yesterday and i wont have any today or tomorrow so i wont be puking all the time and that's nice. The thing i hate the most is that i have lost my hair and that im puking all the time. It really sucks. I don't get chemo. It's supposed to make you healthy from cancer but it only makes you sick? But i shouldn't be complaining, i'm lucky to be able to get treatened. goodbye.

x Harry

November 30 2013

Hi! i'm finally home! Can you imagine that i'm laying in my OWN bed in MY room in OUR house!? It kinda feel unrealistic to be home for a whole week when you've been in the hospital for so long. I still have this tube in my nose and in my chest but that's okay. As long as i am home. I am laying in my bed, listening to the scripts album #3 at the moment. It's my favorite album. I'm also waiting for Niall, Perrie, Zayn & louis to come over. Wear going to mcdonalds to eat. Or I will try to eat. But since I feel pretty strong today I decided to give it a try. They will pick me up in about 15 minutes. I think we should meet someone called Liam there but I'm not sure. Anyways, I am excited to be out with my friends again. After all, it's been several months. Before I got sick going to mcdonalds was our thing. Niall, Zayn and I went there every now and then. It'll be fun. Haven't had chemo for 3 days and that's nice. The stitches from my kidney operation hurts a little. Have no idea why though. Louis and Niall will spend the night at my house and tomorrow I'll go Christmas topping with louis! Because in less than a month it's Christmas! And Lou's birthday. He won't tell me what he want for gifts tough. "I just want you to be fine, that's my biggest wish" is his standard reply. He is so cute. The only things I want for Christmas is a cute for cancer and my hair back. Or at least a new beanie. I will look at some new tomorrow at the mall. I think I have to be in my wheelchair though, I'm not able to walk, or stand up, for that long. My body's to weak. Now I need to change to something nicer that sweatpants, haha. Bye!

X Harry

December 4 2013

Helloagain. I've been shopping gifts to everyone. Both with louis and with mom. I got louis a shirt for his birthday and some records he have been talking about for Christmas. I got Gemma a bracelet and I bought my mom a nice dress I know she will love. I also got stuff for Niall, Zayn, Perrie & louis mom and his sisters. I had to take my wheelchair but except that, both days were perfect. I could even eat! When we were at mcdonalds, I couldn't. I ordered a burger but I threw it up almost immanently so louis took me home. He's the most caring person I've ever met. I felt bad for leaving the others like that though. I talked a bit with Liam, he seems to be a nice boy. I've got a lot of Christmas cards also, both from people in school and from England who wishes me A merry Christmas and that they hope I will get better soon. I hope that, too. I'm actually at louis house right now. But I'm not feeling very well so I'm laying in his bed and he's downstairs making food for us and his sisters sine his mom is working. I like his room. The bed is king sized, the walls are painted in a pretty dark blue color and there's a big wardrobe. I might have stolen a pair of sweatpants of his, but only maybe. And maybe a sweater too. Why are his clothes so comfy?! I love wearing them to be honest. Some old indie record is playing and I really just want to stop it because my head hurst and I feel like shit. Feels like I'm gonna throw up breakfast or something. Goodbye

X Harry

December 26 2013

Been a while. I had To go back to the hospital the 4th because I got fever and stuff. That sucked. Louis had to stay home to take care of his sisters but as soon as he got someone else to look after them he rushed to me at the hospital. Later when his neighbor (the man who had to look after his sisters) came and visited me he told me that Louis had screamed thru the door "HELP ME MY BOYFRIEND HAS CANCER AND HE WAS JUST RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL PLEASE HELP ME LOOK AFTER THE GIRLs I HAVE TO GO SEE HIM" while crying. We thought it was really sweet and he just blushed and pouted. Niall and Perrie was here a lot. Zayn had the flu so he wasn't allowed to visit and I missed his company. Louis were here 24 hours a day. He even slept here when my mom did. But I didn't mind, because he being there with me means that I can get kisses And cuddles whenever I want to. I like that. I had to go thru a couple chemos but this time they weren't that strong is I'm not THAT weak now. They let me home the 23rd and then I spent louis birthday with him (24th December) at his house, watching movies and cuddled. At the evening Zayn, Perrie, Niall & Liam came over and we had a BBQ In his yard and then we all slept in louis room. Louis and I in his bed, cuddled up against each other. He's the most amazing cuddler I know. That's good though, because we both love to cuddle. He loved his birthday present by the way. Now he's officially 15. My baby. Like I said before, we spent Christmas with Louis and his family. We woke up at louis' around 9 am and then we all headed to their owns around 10 after breakfast. Louis, I & his family went to my house around lunch and we opened our gifts. I got a lot and I'm so thankful and blessed. I got a new beanie, from Gemma. It's nice to have her here now, especially since I'm home now. Its almost new year Eve. I wish I could go out on a party with Louis but I'm not allowed. I'm to weak. Ugh. But louis will stay with me at home and our families will celebrate together. I think we will be at Louis' this time, since we were at our house at christmas. But i have no idea. I have to go now though, going to drink tea with mom and Gemma. bye : )

x Harry

 

January 18 2014

hii. im back at the hospital. I got my first new years kiss. It was amazing. I wasn't allowed to drink because off my medication but i was allowed one glass champaigne at midnight. It tasted delicious. I'm getting chemo each 3 days. Monday, wednasday & friday. Then resting from it two days before starting again. This time it is not really as 'strong' as the last time. That is good though, because i am not as weak as before. I've gotten a little bit strenght back. It feels good. I told mom to give this diary to Louis when i die. She said ''if you die''. I said ''when''. I don't know, i just think i am getting used to the tought of maybe dying. Louis has been here a lot, Lottie too. She's really sweet and she talks just as much as her brother. Gosh, i am so in love with that man. How is it possible to love someone as much as i love him? I don't understand. BUt i guess that is what love is. 

x Harry

 

march 2 2014

Hello. This is Louis, Harrys boyfriend, again. Anne showed me this book. But don't worry Hazza, neither one of us have readen it. I'm just giving you an update on Harry. Well, he collapsed at January 14 and since then it has been very critical for him. He has been in coma and woke up yesterday. We was all worried sick about him! He is wo weak and so pale and it scares me because he was so close to dying. Something about his lungs made him collaps. I've been so terrified. I don't know if you've been aware Harry, but i've been with you everyday. Barely left, only to shower once in a while and to get my schoolbooks. I've been here 24 hours a day and so has your mother. Gemma has called three times a day to check on you and everyone in school has been worried. Everyone loves you so much Harry, it's crazy. But i do love you more than them. I love you so much. and oh my god, i am so happy that you woke up. It wasn't even sure you would wake up from the coma but you did. Because you're a fighter. Seriousley, Harold, you are the strongest person i've ever met. Right now, you are sleeping. And i am gonna take a quick shower. uh, and happy one year anniversity baby. I wish you were here with me so we could celebrate it more properly but i'm so happy that you're even alive after all this.I'm so blessed to have you in my life Harold, i don't know what to do without you. You're my sunshine.

Goodbye my love, Lou :) x

July 19 2014

Wow. It has been a really long time. I have had it really rough recovering from this. I was in coma for a long time and it made some damage on my brain. Not something big, i'm just having a hard time remembering things. Like old faces and stuff. But once they tell who they are i'm like remembering them again. It feels really strange to be honest. But luckily, the doctors said it will go away soon. I have also been very very weak so i haven't been able to be outside until today and oh god what an amazing feeling to be outside in the sun for the first time since Januray. God, thats like 5 monthas. 5!!!! Louis, Mom and Niall has been here a lot. Zayn is on vacation in some strange country i don't know the name off. He has been sure to call a lot though. Gemma has been calling loads of times each day. We've facetimed when i've had the stenght for it. I love my friends, family & boyfriend so much. They have all been so supportive towards me. Louis mom and sisters has been here a couple of times too. I love them so much. I also turned 16. Sweet, sweet 16. It would have been nice to be 16, if i hadn't been in this stupid hospital. I am so sick of this. So tired of this. Some days i wish i would just die already. But i can't leave mom and Louis like that. It wouldn't be fair. I'm so tired all the time and it taeks so much effort just to go to the bathroom. It is so unfair. I've never done anything so bad in life that i think i deserve this. I really don't. What have i done to deserve this? I forgot to tell you. The cancer isn't getting any better. But it's not getting any worse at the moment either. They will wait until i am a little stronger until they're gonna put me on chemo again. This time some different, stronger dose. Ugh. Louis and I have been together for over a year by the way. I think this will last forever. I really do. At least i hop it does. And right, at my 16th birthday some fond gave me a free wish. I can wish whatever i want to. How sick!? I think about an trip to either Paris or Disneyland with Louis, Mom and Gemma. It would be so so awesome, wouldn't it?

x Harry

 

september 6 2014

Hello. Today is a good day. I had the strength to go to the park with Zayn and Perrie. Even if i was in my wheelchair, i was still outside, in the park, with my friends. It was so so nice to see them again! Zayn came back from his trip from whatever-country-it-now-was 2 days ago and today Perrie and Zayn decided that they would visit me. They gave me flowers and some magazines. How sweet of them? But to be honest, i don't like being treated different just because i am sick. I'm fading away. Im 102 pounds. That's sick. I mean, i have always been small/thin but thats extremely small. I mean, i'm an 16 year old boy. Enough about that. The trip is planned. We're going to france for a week in december. It will be Louis, I, Mom and Gemma. I am so so excited! We eill be there 2nd december until the 9th december. About a week. We have to wait that long because that is when i am finally off this session of chemo. I am really really excited and i'm sooo looking froward to it! You can't even imagine.. It will be so perfect. Just think about it. Me and Louis. In Paris. Together. It just can't be something else than perfect. Some people from school has been here also, plus some teachers. I am slighty emberassed though. Because i am so weak, pale, skinny and bald and before - i wasn't. I was healthy, strong, happy and i had hair. Everybody knew we as the curlyhaired lad. It's sad to think about it. That this is actually happening to me. I was perfectly healthy before, i was barely sick and when i was it was a samll cold or something. Rarely something bigger than that. And now - Poff - cancer. Leukemia. It makes me feel so depressed. Late at nights when Louis is asleep i am just crying. Because i hurt. Everything hurts. I'm bald. I'm skinny as fuck, i'm so weak i can berely move out of my bed and i have bruises everywhere. I also have these stubid tubes in my nose who helps me breath and some tube from my chest. It sucks. I wonder what anyone would say if they knew i was lying awake at night, crying myself to sleep. They would probably just think that i was stupid for feeling so sorry about myself. Because i am blessed to still be alive and that i have the oppoturnity to get treatment. I am just so confused.. I have no idea how i'm supposed to act or say or feel or do. Am i just supposed to lay here in my bed and be quiet? I don't know. At least i have my Lou who makes me feel so so loved. And my mom, she's so great. And Zayn, Perrie, Niall and Gemma. My beautiful, best friends and sister. The most amazing people on this earth. That reminded me that it was a long time ago since i saw Liam. I will try to remember to ask Niall tomorrow when he is coming over. Now, i am gonna take a nap before Louis comes to visit me. straight after school as usual. He's back there, at school i mean. He studied home while i was really sick and was in coma and stuff. Thats so sweet off him to do. But to be honest i think i would do the same. Is it even possible to fall in love with a person like this over and over again, every day? I din't believe in true love before i met Louis, I really didn't. But he showed me wrong and i will fight for him. I will kick cancers butt, i will survive and i will live the rest of my life with Louis. Because i really do believes that he's my soulmate. Even though i am this young. Maybe i am crazy. I dont know. But that's just how i feel. Goodnight.

x Harry

October 2 2014

 

Hiii! It's Harry! (as usual). I'm in such an amazing mood! Because today is Louis and I's 19 moths anniversity. YAY! Aaaand, it is also only 2 moths until we're going to france! Can you imagine my exitement!? I can't believe that it's true, it's a dream that finally will come true. Probably the only good thing thay have happen because of my cancer. But that's okay, because it's PARIS and it kinda makes all this shit worth it. It feels like that at the moment. The chemo isn't as strong as they were before now and i can feel it in my body. I can walk to to the toilet without falling (mostly) and i'm now 104 pounds instead. It's just 2 pound BUT it feels good to gain. Louis is as gentle as always with me. Tonight we're going out for dinner. GUess where!? he same place as usual. I think it's beautiful that we made it like our tradition. It is a special place. Because 19 months ago, i asked the most fantastic human being to be my boyfriend and he said yes. I'm smiling so hard at these memories. When everything was all good. No sickness. BUt i am so blessed to still have him in mylife, an dthat he didn't left me. Because i honestly don't think i would have made it without him here with me, supporting me. He's my savior. Lou just came inside, got to go! byeee

x H

November 19 2014

 

This is not the way we planned it. We didn't plan this. we had so much planned, there was so much we wanted to do. Then it all got destroyed. Why did i have to become resistant to the treatment? Why, Louis, Why? I'm crying so hard writing this, i can see you sitting in the chair in the corner, i can feel your eyes on me. I can feel you watch me. You're crying to, so is Mom and Gem. They're beside you. Tell them that i love the so much. Tell them that i never wanted to hurt them and that i'm so sorry about this. Louis. I dont know when you'll be reading this, maybe it's tonight or maybe in a week. Maybe you won't even read this at all. I would like to think that you wouldn't be sad or hurt about me being dead but i can feel that you love me as much as i love you so i know you will. I know you'll be sad and you'll be crying. But please, promise me to never stop smiling. Because your smile is the most perfect thing i've ever seen. So smile for me, baby, please? I also wanted to thank you for everything you have done for me. I don't think i can thank you enough. Thanks for sticking around, even though i've been e totally wreck sometimes. I wish i would have been able to be a better boyfriend, i wish i could have taken you out on dates. I wish we could go ice skating. I wish so much but it'll never come true. But i don't really mind, because i've spent the last 21 months of my life with you, and that's more than enough. The rest would just be a bonus. I'm so blessed to have you in my life, and don't ever forget that i love you so so much. I hoped we would be married one day. Is that stupid? Because i think that you're my soulmate. I really do. If i've ever let you down, dissapointed you or hurt you - i'm really really sorry. I didn't mean it. I promise, i didn't. If you like that, i'm sorry. But i hope and think that i've never let you down. Or maybe i have. Being sick like this isn't very nice to the person saround you. But thank you for staying with me, you have been my rock, the reason i fighted as long as i have. Can you do me a favor? At my funeral, please please sing and play the piano for me. i love it so much, when you do it. And you voice is perfect darling, don't worry about it. For me? Pretty please? You don't HAVE to, but it would make me so so happy if you did. You can choose the song. Maybe some song off the fray? But i dont know, you csn choose. Whatever you won't. And say goodby to Zayn, Niall, Perrie, you mom & your sisters from me. I love them all very much. They were here yesterday, saying goodbye. I don't think i've ever cried that much. except from now maybe, this hurts. It HURTS to write a goodbyeletter to th eone you loves the most while dying and watching him cry. NOone should have to go thru this. God, i will miss you so so so so much. I will wait on you. Dont forget to smile for me. Thanks. I lov

 

 

December 19 2014

Dear dear Hazza. Today, i've been here without you for one month. It's so hard just to bretah, everything just hurts. I read your diary. My love, why didn't you tell me you were sad? we could've sorted it out, we could've made it better. I'm so so sorry i didn't notice. I bet you wonder why i'm writing in YOUR diary, it's because this is me writing my goodbye letter. I sang at your funureal, as you asked me to do. ''look after you'' by the fray, we both loved that song. I broke down, so hard. I've been consantly crying for a month and i've now decided that you've waited for me long enough. I will come and find you, wherever you are and we will get married. Even though we're only 16 and 15. But i guess you can marry you soulmate at that age in heaven, am i right? I hope so. Right now, i'm in my bed. I just took a lot off pills with alcohol. I'm starting to feel dizzy. I think this will work out.. I'm sorry you had to wait that long for me Hazza, I'll come and find you now. I love you so much

xxxx Yours sincerly, Louis


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